home

whatever that means.

flying over Minneapolis was so spectacular...because I actually understand it! I could see university ave (but did not go directly over the crooked house) I saw the stone arch bridge and the stadium, the deflated metrodome, the Walker and the sculpture garden, the lakes and I could locate and identify it all, and it made me feel at home. Walking into my room I felt that: Ah, I'm home. feeling.

I also think I am getting used to waking up and not knowing where I am...I cannot even count the amount of times it happened in India, and even in the past month I have been in Crozier, Meg's grandparent's house in Chicago, Kristin's apartment, my apartment, Katie's apartment in Northfield, and the MSU dorms. I am unfazed when I wake up and have to remind myself of where I am.

This weekend somebody asked "How are things at your place?" and I responded--"which place?" It was someone who knows I am from Petoskey and go to school in Ohio, but I had to fill them in about my current placement in Minnesota. I am glad that I have all of these places to associate with, and it is fun to update people about my whereabouts.

and to quote a wonderful song by Ben Thorp, the lyrics that were going through my head the whole plane ride to Minnesota from Michigan: "Now I'm at home, on my way back home."

listening to the sweet sounds of facilitation

as I write this, I am sitting in the hallway listening to Joseph, MacKenzie and Dustin facilitate their stellar sessions at conference. I am so proud of my MCFYP peers and their incredible enthusiasm and leadership during this conference. Yesterday, during registration, I stayed in the background as staff, and I got to attended all the advisor sessions, and it was awesome!! People keep asking me if I miss being a MCFYP member, or I wish I was up there with them, and I do not. I am no longer on the committee, that is not my role this year, I squeezed every last drop out of my three years as a MCFYPer. The current committee is phenomenal and I am so excited that I to get watch this committee in action!

Yesterday, one of the advisor sessions was with my favorite Kari, about Youth Empowerment (which put me in an interesting position, an empowered youth learning about empowering youth) Kari was telling us that we are "encouraging the future Mike Goorhouses and Ellen Blanchards" [so elated to be included in the same category as him] and referred to empowered youth as "growing up in the system" Thanks Kari, way to make us sound like juvenile delinquents...

Yesterday morning I also found out that the Social Change: Gender Awareness speaker was ill and unable to come to conference and present her speech. Luckily, the conference has a resident feminist, and asked me to step in. So last night I prepared a 30-minute lecture (lecture--not facilitated session--eeek!) on Gender Awareness that I was going to present to a group of eighty high school participants. twice. Breannah and I stayed up until 2 am talking about the session...and our lives and experiences with gender issues. It was amazing.  

So my session was this morning and I was so nervous. I had my outline prepared...and I was confident about the content: sex vs. gender, sexuality, social constructs, gender boxes, heteronormativity...women's and gender studies 101. I was most nervous about my audience. I had no idea how a group of 15-18-year-olds was going to respond to all this information. I got to the room, put on some Katy Perry (Firework. what else. it calmed me down) and began. and is was AWESOME. They listened, they reacted, they laughed at all the right times and they asked some great questions! About inherent sex differences, defining the term 'queer', how do we talk about this in our Northern Michigan high schools. One participant seemed a little too intent on getting my opinion on inherent sex differences, that maybe there was a reason that men and women are supposed to be attracted to each other and are meant to be together to reproduce...

The main point was to think outside of the gender boxes, and allow people to be individual in their sex, gender and sexual identities. To end the use of harmful, degrading stereotypical language, and be aware that issues such as sex and gender inequalities in domestic abuse, human trafficking exist. We need to open to these issues and how we can help combat these problems with our grant dollars as well as our individual actions.

it's all a destination.

Happy until proven otherwise.

This has been a fantastic week---feeling settled in Minneapolis even when it takes me an hour to clean up after Clay Play at the museum, or I am utterly frustrated by the disorganization of my other internship, or I get caught in a rainstorm on the Stone Arch Bridge without a raincoat.

I kicked in a runner for a homerun at our first kickball game, Kristin and I held our own at Keegan's Pub Quiz and after we heard some great bands perform...explorers and ukuleles, what more could you want?

Now I am in Michigan to attend the Youth Philanthropy Conference for the first time as an advisor (the previous 5 being as a participant or committee member) and it may seem silly to talk about how I am in Michigan after saying I feel settled in Minnesota. It was a tiny bit thrilling landing in Lansing this morning, Michigan is my home state, it is where I can be surrounded by familiar and wonderful people I have great relationships with. And that is something I am definitely lacking in Minneapolis (the comfort of knowing when I go out in the morning, I will run into someone I recognize) Today has been filled with reunions, and hugs and catching up about past semesters, adventures and future plans. It is so wonderful to tell people that I am living in Minneapolis, and about my internships and how I want to be a teacher, but I am so excited for senior year and to graduate, and although I do not have it all figured out yet--I know that will be half the fun. Being at conference reminds of of the way I felt here three years ago as a first-time MCFYPer. Being the exuberant, facilitating mentor and committee member is exactly who I wanted to be. Now I am exactly where I want to be as a 21-year-old living in a city on my own and attending this conference as an advisor with committee members to prove and it is so satisfying, fulfilling and motivating.

Every moment has been amazing, I cannot believe these events that were merely highlighted text on my calendar a month ago are now what I am experiencing here and now. There are also many moments that I couldn't even anticipate, and it has only been a month.

DEEP SIGH OF SATISFACTION.

I have had amazing conversations (via text/skype/phone/irl) with so many people and am learning so much (non-profits, development psychology, human trafficking, travel, colleges, futures, feminism, philanthropy) from intelligent and talented people and must say for the bazillionth time I am so happy to be. here. now. 

exploding.

about time I used this title for a blog.

It has been a fantastic flurry of a week,
and these are just things that occurred this evening:

Just saw the New York Philharmonic recorded performance of Company starring Neil Patrick Harris, Stephen Colbert and Patti LuPone. Thoughts: Excellent, NPH was age-appropriate, the girlfriends were GREAT, I did not like the "bedroom" dance number, and Patti is such a biddy.

The Moon is HUGE. I ovulated just looking at it.

 Minneapolis is beautiful at night 

[this might be the moment when I am supposed to call Molly and tell her that I feel like I actually live here now]

                                                             Meghan just added glorious pictures of many amazing friends. All of whom I miss, but am so excited to hear from and share all about our summer adventures.

Zac Efron is at Kenyon. What.

So basically, there are a million things happening happening happening

and I AM HAPPY.

money money money

Well, this has been an interesting week of fundraisers.

First, Julia Nunes launched her KickStarter page to raise money for her album before she produces it, so she isn't making up the debt she incurred just through album sales. She is offering pre-releases, signed merchandise, concerts via skype for pledging varied amounts of money.

Her goal was to raise $15,000 in 29 days. She raised $15,000 in 15 hours. It's now been three days, and she has over $35,000. Now, I don't know how this works exactly, because it is in pledges and the money won't be collected until the end of the 29 days. I also have no idea what she is going to do with all the money. I mean, are there rules with how the money should be spent? She said she will use it to hire a publicist (?) At this rate she is going to have...what? $340,000 by the end? rough estimate, and she probably won't average $12,000 a day. We'll see.

Yesterday my assignment at my internship was to "e-mail everyone I know" because Global Giving [an online fundraising hub for international non-profits] was having a bonus day where they were matching 30% of what was raised for the projects on their website, on which God's Child is posted. They also had a $1,000 bonus to the organization who raised the most, and $1,000 to the organization that had the most first-time donors. In 24 hours, the project raised $6,500 plus 30% so $8,450. Which is great! but, it was very frustrating to watch Julia Nunes' numbers quickly roll up while patiently watching the God's Child numbers creep up. The Institute for Trafficked, Exploited and Missing Persons (ITEMP) is God's Child program that combats human trafficking and supports the survivors. The different dollar amounts provide school supplies, tuition, shelter, medical examinations and attorneys.

Julia Nunes is going to give her funders an album, t-shirts, posters, decorated ukuleles, and ITEMP is asking for funds to empower an abused population with basic resources that they wouldn't otherwise have. Except the impoverished children aren't making quirky and entertaining youtube videos, so I suppose its harder to see the value in giving them money.

I think this should be the realization of the material world in which we live, that we prefer the immediate and tangible rewards, and it is harder to fund something that you may not reap benefits from. This is a call to all philanthropists (meaning all those who love humanity) that you can give your time, talent and treasure in so many ways, and even though you may not get the personalized Julia Nunes voicemail, it still has it's rewards. Philanthropy is on the rise (especially the youth variety) I've witnessed it. I am very impressed that so many supported Julia Nunes, but I want to help increase awareness about non-profit organizations, and all the many ways to be a philanthropist.

I am going to include the link to Global Giving, and not just to the God's Child Project, and just take a look at all the beneficent programs that are happening in our world.

Calm down

        This past year has been 100% intense from all fronts. physically, mentally, emotionally, academically, culturally...? (intense culture?) yes. much intensity. yet I am still alive, awake, alert, enthusiastic. I also cannot believe the things I have accomplished! I can think about my India experience as one whole experience but also very specific and vivid moments pop into my head: when I was dropped off at the train station in Jaipur at midnight to travel 400 km into the Rajasthan unknown. That is the latest India memory reeling on my head, because upon reflection--I was for too calm for such a situation. I remember sitting on my suitcase, my ukulele sticking out of my backpack, and waiting. I freak out at bus stops when I think my bus is late, I check directions a million times before getting in my car, and I am generally a little high-strung when traveling. But there I was, sitting, waiting to get on a train that didn't have any exact idea of where it would be taking me. I don't know what came over me. That absolute peace before plunging into the most--I want to say challenging, but that doesn't encompass it all...most difficult and frustrating yet most enlightening and rewarding experience of my time in India.


         How on earth was I that calm? Maybe because I was so drained mentally and emotionally at that point I just didn't have the energy. But what I also remember about that transition, was my mom telling me that my time in India was only halfway over, I had another six weeks to be there and the most significant things may not have happened yet. And she was right. All of India was significant, obviously, but I often got caught up in making sure that every moment was significant, because it was happening in India. Rather than letting whatever happened, happen. To suspend control of a situation and just let it play out is sometimes difficult because I often have a vision of how something should happen. Usually I plan out situations when they are in familiar places, or with familiar people, but when you cannot fathom the context of place or people you just need to go. No expectations, no distractions.

commencement

Facebook is saturated with graduation photo albums. There are lots of cute titles "senior1t1s" "conGRADulations" haha...but one was unfortunately titled "the end"

commencement means beginning. I love that. beginning. It's not about finishing, closing the book, tying up loose ends, a decrescendo, it's taking the knowledge, experiences and relationships you gained and using it to propel you into the future. on your mark, get set, commence!

Also, graduation parties. It is a time to celebrate all that you accomplished over the past four years, and eat lots of food. The only thing is, most everybody attending this party knows what you've done, and knows where you're going. And these parties happen at the beginning of the summer, so it isn't even a time to say goodbye, because you will see everyone in the next three months, and even then, be back for Thanksgiving and Christmas break. The funny thing is, I feel like I need another graduation party right now. As I was leaving Petoskey after spring break this year, I really didn't (and still don't) know when I will be back to the tip of the mitten. My mom said, as I was leaving, that this is what a graduation party should feel like. A sending out, a commencement. I could have a gathering right now and it really would be about informing people on what I have done and where I am going. Back in Petoskey, it is up to my family to relay my current endeavors to people--and they do a great job, but I would love to have an opportunity to get together with my Petoskey community and catch up on what we've all been up to.

Graduating shouldn't feel like a closing, or abandoning. It is a marker, a checkpoint that moves you forward. You get to take as much, or as little, of your previous experiences with you, as use that to continue your journey.

imagining the future is a kind of nostalgia.

stealing a quote from John Green, who stole the quote from the yeti. (if you don't understand what that means read Looking for Alaska and watch all videos from this youtube channel (actually, do this to understand all things)

      This quote has been ringing through my head for the past month, starting right before my 21st birthday, because I have so much future ahead of me that I want to try and figure out. The quote that rings in harmony with it is "Those that think about the future are escapists" [don't remember if this was John Green or Jonathan Franzen...I get my quotable-notable-novelists confused] That is my struggle...am I planning ahead? or am I idealizing the future to avoid the present?

        A month ago all I could think about was being 21, finishing finals, moving to and living in Minneapolis, senior year, comps, and living in Bucket House. Now that I am 21, done with finals, and in Minneapolis...I am still trying to organize the future. I like to make plans and follow them. Tomorrow, for instance, I want to wake up, go for a walk, go to the post office, drive to work in the afternoon (get gas on the way and try not to cry at the exorbitant price), and then come home. Which makes me seen like a task-master, but that doesn't suit me. I am spontaneous, and can adapt to change. This morning, I missed my bus and had to quickly change my route, was constantly reassigned tasks at work, stayed late, and spontaneously bought myself an iced chai...:) But maybe my task-orientedness is linked to my interest in maps...yes, maps. When applying to college I told my mom I wanted to major in demography, but I don't think such a major exists. I have always liked maps and stats in Time Magazine and interactive maps online. I am also a huge fan Andrew Kuo's charts in the New York Times, I hang them as art on my wall. I need that visual layout of things in my head. I plan tasks based on my route-I do that everyday at Kenyon, and it is why I am getting gas on the way to work tomorrow. I always consult Google Maps before heading out in Minneapolis, it helps me get my bearings and get a glance at what landmarks I may pass: bridges, parks...presidential gravesites. I need a Google Maps for my life: "Get Directions" Point A: Summer 2011 in Minneapolis. Point B: Summer 2012 after graduation. I want to see my trip options, I want to know how long it would take on a bike, or walking. I can see my exits, or the toll roads, maybe my journey includes ferry transit.  That's how my thinking about the future gets a little out of hand...last night I got overwhelmed looking up grad schools and teaching certification and Masters degrees...secondary? elementary? Do I want to move back to Michigan? What about foundations or non-profits? Do I want a Philanthropy degree from Indiana University? Do I want to go to grad school right away? Take a year off? I could get a bird's eye view of all of the answers in the directions on Google Maps:My Life. Mapping the future is a fun hobby if you use satellite technology, or brightly colored icons to click on, but is, unfortunately for me, an impossible endeavor.

Big schools are big

Today I went on an epic walk around the U of M(innesota).

I think the big state school campuses I have seen the most of are the Us of Ms. Michigan and Minnesota. Buses, lots of pavement, huge buildings that usually have an identical twin across the quad, stadiums and pizza places. I guess this is the image I always had of big schools, it's just odd actually walking through it. I did feel very anonymous, because, well, I am. I saw groups of people meeting up, and runners waving at friends. Obviously, attending school, living and working here creates a community. There are just so many strangers and sidewalks and little buttons you have to push to be able to cross the street in order to achieve that.

A couple asked if I would take their picture with the skyline in the background and then they asked if I was a student here and I quickly said yes [noactuallymichiganmittenpetoskeyohiokenyonsummerhere] --not worth it. I still said I was an American Studies major (because I had walked by an American Studies building) But then I started thinking that I should pick a different major when claiming to be a U student. Molecular Biology? Global Studies? Fishing and Wildlife? (I am interning with someone who is an actual major) Public Policy? Sustainable Design? maybe I'll just stick with 'mercuh.

This giant city ocean is overwhelming at times for this bitty* village fish, but this is exactly where I want to be this summer. 

*and biddy

Liberal Arts

Yes, my education, but more specifically the film currently in production on campus.

I was skeptical when I heard the synopsis of Josh Radnor's new film "Liberal Arts" A thirty-something returning to his alma mater and falling into a relationship with a first-year female student. When I heard that it was semi-autobiographical, I was even more concerned. but when I found this synopsis I gave up all hope: "A 35 year-old (Joshn Radnor), still yearning for the life of a college student, must come to terms with his age and responsibilities. Elizabeth Olsen plays a 19-year-old college student who falls for Radnor’s character over a shared love of music and literature. She wants to make it work with the man but her immaturity makes it impossible for her to see the obvious obstacles."

excuse me?

the 35-year-old doesn't recognize his inappropriate conduct around a barely legal college girl? and if this is supposed to be semi-autobiographical, I think Josh Radnor should be barred from campus. If he thinks that college girls are the immature, ignorant ones he is clearly desperate and taking advantage. If he thinks that women from Kenyon would fall for some dashing alum and not be able to recognize the consequences, he clearly doesn't know Kenyon anymore. This isn't to say that there can't be such relationships, but this movie better not depict Kenyon women as little girls that blindly fall in love with charming older men and depict Josh Radnor as innocent. biddy gonna get mad.

Who is the gender studies consultant on this project? To those of you still on campus, please correct me if I am wrong on any of this plot development, and don't let this film portray our women as clingy, juvenile objects.

what does it mean?

Just thought I would take a moment to explain the title of this blog.

Yes, it does describe me quite well, as it is rare that I am quiet. It is a quote from, what else?--a musical.

I saw Sutton Foster in concert in Findlay, Ohio in January 2010. She sang a medley of songs from musicals she starred in, Thoroughly Modern Millie and Shrek were the musicals I recognized but I had to look up which show contained the lyrics:

"Here I go and there's no turning back
My great adventure has begun!
I may be small, but I've got giant plans to shine as brightly as the sun...
I will be fearless surrendering modesty and grace
I will not disappear without a trace.
I'll shout and start a riot, be anything but quiet
Christopher Columbus!
I'll be astonishing, astonishing
At last!"

It is the song "Astonishing" from Little Women, Sutton Foster originated the role of Jo on Broadway in 2005.

This song has been painfully relevant to my life, especially with my tendencies to lead protests, paint my body, write pejorative parodies and go on great adventures. Days in India when I really didn't feel like leaving my room, I had to tell myself "my great adventure has begun." and it was all I could do not to retort to my host sisters when they told me I was too loud: "I'll be anything but quiet" They wanted me to conform to Indian standards of femininity, when I hardly conform to American standards of femininity.

getting lost in parking garages.

culture shock. therefore I blog.

seriously, let's glance at the culture shock I have experienced in the past 10 months. India, returning to Petoskey, then Gambier, mild shock in Alaska, and now Minneapolis. I am in a new place, on my own, and I have a lot to figure out (people keep saying it's my "new life" in MN...but it's still my life, it's what I signed up for, it's just the place that is new) My internships are with new organizations, but they consist of doing grant research, and reviewing grants at the God's Child Project and facilitating art projects for kids at the Children's Museum...two things of which I possess some previous experience.

This city (these cities--they are twins after all....) is very big. I am not good at estimating how long a transit in a car or walking is going to take because I am used to everything being in a .6 mile radius and easily walkable. I am also used to living in a place where I constantly run into people I know. Petoskey, yes, Gambier, absolutely! Sometimes at school I venture outside specifically for the purpose of running into someone, and I often don't make it past the living room. I am so used to going out recognizing everyone! I probably know about 15 people in the cities, but I still anticipate when I go out I will see someone I know.

I will get used to it eventually, I am sure because I am so excited to be here! I have already been to a Twins game, to the movies with friends to see Pirates 4, been to a farmer's market, walked across the stone arch bridge a gazillion times, joined a kickball league with my housemates, explored uptown, meandered through the Walker sculpture garden, enjoyed a happy hour, got emotional outside of the state capital at the Women's Memorial Suffrage Garden, and yes, got lost in a parking garage.