Do I want a Kenyon man?

Susan Patton’s advice that women must find a husband at Princeton is misguided for many reasons, but one being the word “husband.” What I experienced in college is socially women do not go to find husbands, we go to find partners. “You’ll never have this concentration of extraordinary men to choose from as you do during those four years” No Susan, you will encounter extraordinary people with whom to form relationships for the rest of your life. I had many partners in college. Not the romantic kind, nor the kind that Patton describes we should find while at an elite liberal arts college. They were partners intellectually, socially, creatively. I met many people in college with whom I want to spend the rest of my life. We laugh, we cry, we fight, we make-up. We send correspondence with loving regards, we call one another to catch up, we send silly notes on facebook. These are the people I want to be my traveling companions, next-door neighbors, surrogate aunts and uncles to my children. Patton says find a husband, I say, find a partner or two, or more. We put so much pressure on finding “the one,” but I have amazing partners in the numerous friends I met at school. Is there someONE out there who can support and challenge me the way all my friends do?

And of course I want a life companion, but that is a lot of pressure to put on one person. Will I find that one person? Will they attend musicals with me? Will they compromise with my bossiness? Will they cook better than I can? And will I be able to reciprocate? Will I be the person they can depend on for richer or poorer in sickness and in health as long as we both shall live? It’s scary to think about, especially as an anxious and worrisome person. Will they be able to comfort me through my explosions of emotions? Will they know never to tell me to “calm down” because I feel condescended towards when I am unable to control my own emotions?

Also, why are our intellectual equals, our should-be husbands, exclusively at these elite schools? That is less than .01% of the population of the world. (.005% if you are only looking for a romantic partnership with only half of the socially constructed gender binary.) By marrying someone from the same elite college, we are not securing our intellectual companionship, but perpetuating the standard to marry someone of your similar class background. There is companionship beyond class. There is intelligence beyond academia. There. I said it. Marriage is not based solely on being your capacity to analyze Durkheim. One of my favorite anecdotes of my parents’ relationship is when my mother offered the advice, “Marry someone smarter than you” my father replied, “I did.” My father’s reply means that both believe they married someone smarter. Reflecting on the people with whom I have been “romantically involved” I was not attracted to them based on our intellectual likeness. Less than half have earned a Bachelor’s degree. My attraction to them was mostly based on timing and some based on their ability to dance.

Men are intimidated by a smart woman and often marry someone of lower intelligence, so women need to snag the men while they are still in college? Way too often the responsibility, or blame, is placed on women. “She was asking for it,” “she should have been more careful,” “she needs to find a husband.” One again, women are forced to abide by a man’s agenda. We don’t need to tell women to get a good man when she can, we need to tell everyone to find a partner when they are ready. Not an intellectual equal, not a trophy wife, not a breadwinner. We need to encourage seeking equity in relationships. We need to encourage seeking love in relationships.